Sweat & Shit

Yesterday was a busy one
went shopping that morning for a desk chair
of wood & leather with a straight back,
no arms & simple profile

Took us a couple of hours
picked out a desk that I aint putting together
until we get to the new house
the aforementioned chair
and a kitchen apron

Got home to find blood pooling under the dog’s fur
rushed her right over to the big vet clinic,
The Doc said she’d had a reaction to a flea infestation
and she further irritated it in trying to rid herself of them

The nurses shaved her lower back gave her a couple injections
one antibiotic and a solid steroid
she cried a bit on the second one,
they told me,
but it was a doozy so nothing to worry about
and she really was a sweet pup

The Doc prescribed a pill that I could feed her at home
that would kill every flea on her,
then a bath as usual followed by the monthly preventive balm

I did that and she was sedate but fuzzy
came out of the bath like a rose with a shaved ass
feisty too, gripping her new fuzzy bone toy with her paws,
chewed it till the squeak was gone
and got started ruffling every inch with the mark of her teeth

This morning, I started the regiment anew
long walk, I fed her an antibiotic and a steroid,
stuffed into banana slices, and finished it with a handful of food
fresh water and an antihistamine spray on the itchy patch

She’s been pretty well stoned all day
and I’m not letting her just run around the backyard
like I used to, she’s gotta heal
so when we step outside together
she don’t have the motivation to chase much of anything
but she still don’t want to come in
I can understand that as well as anybody

Amplifier Unit

It’s always the Light
we say we see
in each other’s eyes
It’s always the Light
&

always the Silence
we say we feel
in each other’s lives
It’s always the Light
we see each other in
It’s always the Light

Anthologies of Poetry

Everybody I know has problems,
most of them are with themselves
I’ve got them too, I know that, I’m not special
Nobody I know is a Robot
though I know they’re out there
You can hear them humming
I don’t hum

I had to stop to play with the dog
we wear each other out like linen
we both come in here to the stereo loud
and she chases her tail, rolls around on her back,
chews her back feet and basically wigs out on the floor
and I wig out on white sheets
scribbling, scribbling

I don’t hum
though I’m certain I look plenty dead
I’m less a Robot than a Zombie
but my intentions are clear
I’m vulnerable to high blows
and as of yet, by the looks of you, I aint multiplying
You can’t say the same damn thing about Robots, can you?

Just so you understand me,
you & I are on the same team here
same goals in the long run
so in that, we share an eventual fate,
a step of yours is a step of mine

It’s safe to say that I’m going to take the easy way out
and not give a shit about something inconsequential
I aint bout to shoot us in the collective foot

Life aint that much different than War
treason don’t do anybody any good
So let your guns cool, it’s safe, we’re safe here

Snargles, Snargling, Snargle

When I’m coming home from the gym in the morning
My intersection of Aloma’s got my bank, my framer, & a Starbucks
They're doing some work around the Bank
so they have Signs up to divert traffic
The one in easiest gander says,

LANE
CLOSED
MERGE
LEFT

but somebody spray-painted a black S before Merge
which at once could look like an official diagram
of the possible Hot Wheels track you may be asked to drive
while quite at the same time say,

LANE
CLOSED
SMERGE
LEFT

Every goddamn morning, I laugh at the stupid thing
rub my eyes & wring the grip out from my hands
and straighten up the way we do when mischief is afoot
eyes a little wider, breathe in the air

Lick of Good, in E

I was lost, Dear Lord, without a Rifle
I was lost, Dear Lord, deep in your Wood
and I aint never seen this so called Devil
and Lord, you aint done me one Lick of Good

I was lost, Dear Lord, deep in your Cities
I was lost, without a Friend, Nickel or Dime
and the only time I heard you calling
was from an old payphone I’d just left behind

So Lord, if you won’t do even one Lick of Good
Well then, nobody should, nobody should
Now Lord, if you won’t do me one Lick of Good
Well then, nobody should, nobody should

Off the path, Dear Lord, I saw your babies
they were running bare into the eve
and I prayed, Oh Lord, that I could run with them
but a Christian Man, I could not be

So Lord, if you won’t do even one Lick of Good
Well then, nobody should, nobody should
Now Lord, if you won’t do me one Lick of Good
Well then, nobody should, nobody should

I was down, Dear Lord, in that Whale’s belly
I placed my Bets, knowing He was Yours
because nothing, I’ve seen, in all your Creation
has ever ushered Me safely Indoors

So Lord, if you won’t do even one Lick of Good
Well then, nobody should, nobody should
Now Lord, if you won’t do me one Lick of Good
Well then, nobody should, nobody should

Devil in the Details

Woke up after a late night before 8 to walk the dog
came back in, pulled out the big coffeepot and made a batch
breakfast for 4 aint much different than breakfast for 2

Usually we get the Jumbo eggs but the Large have been on sale
and throwing them on the griddle and giving them an easy flip
produces a bird of an entirely different feather
Fluffy and light and mostly retaining the shape they hit the grill on

Chicken apple sausages split nearly down through the middle
fried in a little butter till they’re crisp and smoky
curled into an unreadable mouth of simple line drawings
of smiles and frowns imposed on each other

A slice of dark rye, broke in half and thrown in the toaster
served with strawberry jam, coffee and fresh orange juice

I laid the sausage at the bottom of the plate’s canvas
the two eggs at opposing angles hovering above
perched upon by the fox ears of dark toast

J. was the first to acknowledge the effort, dubbing his breakfast
Bunny Lips
I cleared the table, did the dishes, we walked outside in the sun,
and watched the dog stalk and sprint and run under the blanket
of early morning light sprinkling through the canopy of the trees
smoking cigarettes and shooting the shit

We went inside when Ma came out to greet everyone
she left her breakfast to get cold rather than eating in front of them
don’t think she even saw Bunny Lips

We closed the screendoor and turned off the AC, cups more of Joe
cigarette smoke from the barstools sucked up by the stove’s exhaust fan
the ladies gossiped on the bar floor with their coffeecups on the table
LPs spinning behind them with Cash gushing out from a single speaker

I should’ve brought the dog in to say goodbye
but she was quite content outside and it slipped my mind
though they didn’t seem too bothered, J. got to pick her up in the kitchen,
rub her belly, maybe they bonded there and they were done

Tests for Type Size

Tests for type size

Tests for type size is 1.5 at the point, the point is just after two,
two is in fact 4 and we were over halfway through the word “fact” at 5,…

Leftovers

I remember my first joint
skipping days in High School
me and a buddy bought it like that
pre-rolled
a real no-brainer

We passed it
back & forth
quickly & giddily
laughing & coughing
until near its end
at which we both met
with zealotry
a burned out roach

We tried sucking on it at a distance
making cones of our lips
to inhale the air around the butt
while clicking the big Bic flame
in the blindspot of our own noses

I’ve always had a Jew’s nose
from my maternal grandfather
planted in the middle of my face
so the spaces of the world
which I have never seen
have become a collective hole
in my perceivable existence

I rationalized outloud
if I’m holding the roach
in my fingertips
to my outstretched lips
there is at least a good inch
from my face to the flame
but
because I can’t see
past my own shnoz
my brain is responding
to an incalculable threat
and there aint no way
I can convince my brain otherwise

So,
I told my buddy
that I was going to close my eyes
inhale at the joint
while he slowly brought the flame
to ignite our charred little dilemma

We took some deep breaths
calmed our nerves
moved into the shade of the stairway
to reduce interference from the wind

I got ready
I heard a click
then two more
then some rustling
then another click
and boom
my lungs were full of smoke

We cheered
but it felt like
he burnt my fucking lips off
he didn’t though
I was fine

It didn’t matter
the gaiety ensued
I nursed my lips
& tried to tell him he fucked it up
but he hadn’t
& it didn’t matter
we laughed so hard
we couldn’t understand a word
either of us were saying

You are my Sunshine, in C

You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know, Dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my Sunshine away

The other night, Dear, as I lay dreaming
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, Dear, I’d been mistaken
So, I hung down my head and I cried

I will always love you and make you happy
If you’d only do the same
But if you leave me to find another
You’ll regret it all some day


You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know, Dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my Sunshine away

(Instrumental Verse)

You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know, Dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my Sunshine away

(Instrumental Verse)

I will always love you and make you happy
If you’d only do the same
But if you leave me to find another
You’ll regret it all some day


You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know, Dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my Sunshine away

Building a Fence

It’s been raining the last three days
& they say,
it aint about to let up
until another three more
a week of rain
without clear blue skies
or open windows
dim & then darker, then darkness
over & over every day

As a kid, I used to love the rainy season
but I was gloomier then, air conditioned
& happy alone
didn’t have to leave my room for anything
sheltered in a suburb for the school district
an adolescent Hamlet
complete with handmaids
launderers
prepared meals
lashing out from the rock poster nutshell
of my boyhood room

Now, I’m always out the door
taking trash in & out
getting the mail
walking the dog
going to the gym
the bank
the grocer

I walked the dog last night
through rivers of sidewalks
water up to my ankles
and watched her try to leap the puddles

I brought her in, toweled her off, as usual
from nose to tail, her torso & belly
and under her paws and up to the knee

This morning I could see
her first few steps into each doorway
perfect prints in a well contained space
I even saw a heel mark
and the splattered outline left
when a wet leash hits the floor

Of course it’s a waste to try and clean it
there’s green on the skyline
& a chill in the air
it’ll be pouring come dinnertime
& I’ll be dragging in
a fresh wash of it soon enough
on top of whatever untold breach
may befall us
last night
it was a leaking roof
around the chimney
on top of the hot water heater

I should feel happy to know
that at least the chimney works
but tonight it could be a window
or the seal of a door

It’s like that with real storms
everything gets tested
in a justifiable paranoia
something usually gives

We had to call the realtors
and they sent their maintenance guy
who’s nice enough
but don’t wanna get his hands dirty
with liability
he said that he’d recommend
to our property manager
that she suggest to the owners
they consider hiring a roofer

We asked him about the fence
that he came out to look at
a couple months back
but he didn’t know nothing
after he said it needed to be done
he was already out of the loop

I thanked him for coming by
and he said it was nice
coming out this way,
because it was close to home for him
he was able to stop
and have lunch out with his wife
before getting here after 2

When he left
I grabbed a smoke on the back patio
and it was so dark
and the noise of the rustling brush
swaying limbs, scurrying animals,
and gushing winds
were louder
than the semis on the street

I watched the long wood door of the shed
breathe from off its frame
and saw the peaks of the waterbreak
staining the wood almost half way up
like mountains or a crashing wave

I figure it aint that hard to post a fence
but it’s never been my call
I just live here

Spring Cleaning

I had expected there to be treasure
when I patted all the pockets
on my old winter-weight uniform
before giving it away
but there was nothing

I kept the one summer BDU top
and the short sleeve shirt of my Class As
because I figure the only time
I might want to wear any uniform of mine
is in the hot, hot, hot of summer

I can just fucking picture it
me in my beard on Memorial day
with the sleeves rolled up
on my summer greens
explaining things to some huffing E-3

I’m still wearing the uniform
but he aint wrong to want to correct me
he just failed to unload on the right target
sometimes firing orders get mixed up

It's nobody's fault now

The Wet Nurse I

They had sent a third party
not a Lawyer at all
A Doctor of anthropology
from Cambridge,
a family friend, and confidant

He worked under some power of attorney
within the Maxwell Estate
a legal representative in the pocket
to handle family affairs
when no member was available

It was better this way anyway
no protocol,
no embarrassing escort out of the building
They met in the park
across the street from the Estate

He handed her an envelope
with a check and her official
notice of termination
told her she didn’t have to read it then
he conveyed the Maxwells’ gratitude

Especially the unspoken gratefulness
of the baby, Jacob,
who could be assured of only the best
in his future concerns and interests,
ending with his own sincere thanks

He shook her hand warmly
but he didn’t brace her arm
or pat her shoulder,
Gail said thanks, and feigned a smile
walked away, and cried in the car

She had the day to herself
but she didn’t want to go home
her husband, Sam,
wouldn’t get there until after 5
and she didn’t want to be alone

She drove over to the gym
it would be dead in there
just the staff and the unemployed
but nobody talking to anybody
just the groans and hum of machines

She got changed in the locker room
a sports bra and t-shirt
running shorts and shoes
she looked at herself in the mirror
and thought she looked all right

She put on her Run mix
and hit the treadmill
at a sprint
going hard and fast for 45
hitting stop and running it out

Once off, She held onto the bars
standing legs outstretched
doubled over, breathing deep
her sweat pooling between her breasts
and in the crack of her ass

She toweled off
on her way to the car
checked the time on the dashboard
put her sweater on
and pulled her hair back

She drove straight to the park
and found a bench in the light
where she picked at her lunch
with the fall Sun on her face;
children somewhere in the distance

She lingered there for another hour
then sat in the car before deciding
to take the long way home
out into the hills
and circling the whole bay

When Gail made it home
the house was warm and still
she took off her shoes
her feet still felt prickly
So, she rubbed her legs and stretched

She paced back and forth
between the living room and kitchen
half debating a decision on dinner
and half just walking
to wear herself down

Sins of a Wet Nurse

My dog wants to eat whatever I eat
aint but nibbled at her dry food
but unpeel a banana and watch out
the damn thing gets ravenous

I know it aint the bowl
she’ll eat things out of it if I put em there
and it aint the food neither,
she eats that stuff out of my hand
as a reward

I think she’s so damn attentive
that the poor thing forgets to eat

or

she is so damn dependant on me
that the poor thing can’t do a thing
herself

Hell,
I know the later one is a load of bull
She has standoffs with squirrels
6 feet above her head
she traces each of their leaps
from branch to branch
with a ready mouth
shadowed by the body of her opponent
poised underneath
all tongue and teeth
before bright flickering eyes

Maybe the kid just wants to work for it
I’d call that a rare sentiment these days

I put the food bowl down
when I took her home
yesterday morning
a little after 10
figured she ate before the flight
maybe around 6
but didn’t know if she had a thing left in her
after all the traveling

Naturally she didn’t touch it
I left it out all day
but she hadn’t touched it
when I put it up for the night

Of course there were treats
little pieces of meat
for coaxing her into/out of places
or paying for a space
in her little doggie heart

But couldn’t’ve been more than
a half cup at best
and she woke up hungry
I put the food out
first thing
took a good long walk
and brought her back in
all revved up
but she wouldn’t have it
just sat there
& watched me eat my pork & eggs
and I know it looked good
I cooked it for chrissakes
so I can’t blame her for wantin’ a taste
but I aint the kind to reward bad behavior
no matter how liberal

So when I had my afternoon banana
she was all over it.
I ain’t never seen such a spectacle
her sits were clear and perfect,
poised,
brushing the floor with a wagging tail
looking at me
like my banana
was just another bushy tailed treat

I stood with the banana and a small knife
I made her sit and stay
while I put each slice into her bowl
then told her to come
and she ate it like it was caviar
tearing into that bowl
she ate half the food in there at a go

It’s good to have an animal in the house
but its dumb to hope it don’t hunt

Bodies of Horses/Water

I’ve got a snoring dog on the floor
behind my chair
I bought her one of those dog beds
put it at the edge of my bed
she’s sleeping next to that

It’s like they say about horses
you can lead them anywhere
but you can’t make them do shit
holds as true to dogs as anybody
anything with guts
is chasing some kind of carrot
on someone’s stick or otherwise
everybody’s got to get what they want
it only makes sense
when you consider the alternatives

One of the neighborhood kids
is learning to skateboard outside
staying on the sidewalks
arms outstretched like wings
or weights to balance
the moving pavement
under her feet
from getting out from under her
no helmet though
the kid’s a trooper

If it wasn’t for all the vitamin C
I couldn’t stand to live in this place
but if I get an orange’s worth a day
I never feel the heat or get carried away
on the smoke of the burning marshes,
or the milky swirling breeze

If somebody asks me,
in the next town I live in,
what was that other place like?
I’m gonna tell em,
too many lakes

Don’t get me wrong
a lake is a hell of a nice thing to have
when it’s hidden away in the distance
or behind a summer house
but they got the damn things everywhere
so barely anybody uses them

I’ll take a rushing river or big blue ocean
any day
I can’t stand any body who just sits there
twice fold for a lake
You’ve got to wear away at something
or you aint doing nothing at all

A Pint Low

Where did the day go
having silently retreated
under the gray sky of rain
The footprints all washed away

Right outside my window
I can still see it
like the lighted smoke
remaining after a firework
has expended it’s existence
on a hot summer night

I couldn’t get myself out of bed
so exhausted from dreaming
dark & faceless, couples coupling
clarifying from what position
they find release from themselves
& their histories;
the greater world outside

Meeting patchily in stolen rooms
weighted with secrets
the loudest whispers encircle
like scavengers

When I wake up
a pint low of blood to the brain
it shouldn’t be a big surprise
that I find things
a little disorienting
but as if my hands were covered in it
I cry out for reason

I’m told
that as a kid
I had to be dragged out of the house
never
kicking & screaming
but like a rock
or old sofabed

You spend enough time alone
a pint low of blood to the brain
you can’t rightly
call on that thing
to conjure up
a good enough reason
to step outside

New Dog Bowls

We were talking about the new dog bowls
their handmade wood structure
three stains of the same wood
trisected with a smooth dark top
supported by an orange and a red wing
crossed and set like the body and the fin
of a wide-eyed alien spaceship
on the label it read, “Astro’s Bowl”,
penned on one side
the other, just a sticker gun price

Then we got to talking about Astro Jetson,
and I felt certain that our bowls were no copy
though I had no proof,
from what I could remember of the show
it probably floated
with little corkscrewed antennae
and ripples underneath
of some energy pollutant

Anyway,
all the dogs in those shows
were little more than sloppy carbon copies
of Scooby Doo.

You said,
how much further can you really go on
as a dog?

I said,
I know, always hungry, kind of dumb,
even Scooby needed Scrappy
after a while
as a crutch

Yeah
and when you put the dog on its hind legs
it’s just as dumb
as every other two-legged creature

You apologized
& I said it was ok
I left laughing

Guitars

Guitars, Guitars
strings ring, buzz & sing
arthritic rhythm Guitars
tinny tin strings
on the side of the microphone
electricity swims
tap tapping on the bridge
loose shoed
breathing volume
running up on the fretboard
with jabby hot chords
and the palm of the hand
on the hi-hat’s beating
bleeding into the organ
humming with the melody line
rising always rising
crashing fuzz in reverb
playing the poured concrete
amped up in the corner
alone

Questions for Potential Partners

She’s got an ex owes her some money
& a freshly broken heart
even if she don’t know it

Money’s never a non-issue
it’s poison for
poor kids & dumb bastards

Many people I know
treat it like the holocaust
leaving any discourse on the subject
in the hands of
the experts & the obscene

They only ever talk about money
when it’s failed
then panic, fear, resentment, & guilt
pour out in tears
scream in closed rooms
stand rabid & hungry
in official documents
notices, & phonecalls

It’s only ever an issue

A friend of mine told me
my next story should be about
how you can’t take anybody
on their word anymore

I told him it sounded more like
a life’s work
and we promised to keep in touch

We haven’t yet
but I ain’t worried about it much
we’re good for it

Anyway,
I told her what I thought
about the real deal
said
Life is one
deep & lingering tragedy
after another
sprinkled with innumerable
tiny victories
luckily though
the celebrations are frequent enough
that they keep us
pretty well distracted
and that’s that
war every day

We live
like we share every room
with elephants

She told me
you got to thank
whatever watches over you
I replied
Yeah
if you got to

Mother's Day '09

I made her waffles with fresh strawberries
dousing the fruit in the last of the cinnamon syrup
I grilled chicken-apple sausage and eggs,
started the coffee but she made her own cup

After the dishes
I watered the plants, called the wife
put on another pot of coffee
we sat on the couches
and I talked about modern literature
its supposed difference from visual art
the idea of
being told a story
vs.
being relayed a sentiment
and how both have the same effect in the end

She talked about rejection
conspiring ex-bosses
men & women
society

I told her she shouldn’t doubt
her own worth
which means knowing
you aren’t doing anything wrong
so everyone’s reactions to you
are reactions to something good
and it don’t seem right
that so many people
would run away from such a good thing
but its true,
it’s always been true.

I’ve said this so many times now
that I’m all out of new ways to convey it
that don’t bore the hell out of me

We had 4 apples and an orange
sitting in the fruitbowl
I said it’s a lot like that
she asked,
“Which one am I?”
laughing

Go See a Movie

Catching the sunset
been sitting on my ass all day
running errands
running errands
ain’t quite the right phrase for it
but going here & there
buying things,
some necessary,
others not so much

An iced tea at the gas station
put me down damnear two dollars
rubber toy for the dog
seven bucks
I’m told
some part of this
is supposed to be priceless

Anyway
these days getting things done
always seem to start so late
and I never feel as though
I get a moment of time out in public
too busy,
making transactions,
waiting in line,
bubbled in the A/C
and radio transmissions

I should go see a movie or something
sit alone in the dark
be told a story
walk out into the night
and not say a word to anybody about it
It’d be good for me to get out for awhile

I think most songs you hear
are more about dreams
than any of us assume

I only dream before I fall asleep
and just as I am waking up
I don’t daydream hardly ever
and to my knowledge
I have never dreamt
in the depths of the night
and no one in my dreams
has ever seemed strange to me
I recognize and identify every one
right at the get-go
sometimes though
it doesn’t matter

I couldn’t tell you if it’s new
it’s all I can do to remember
but its right like the hummingbird
hovering between your cupped hands
hearts-a-racing
captive to a future impulse

Untouchable again
every time I close my eyes
guns, dogs, & drums
perfect in practice
but terrible in execution

Hummingbirds
horrible in size
& volatility
hovering

Born a ’58 in ‘49

My batteries dead
I’m sure of it
I’ve turned it over
let it run
but now I can’t get a spark out of her

It’s just another thing on the list
sending in forms, calling offices,
jumping batteries, & paying strangers

I look at the list
and I feel exhausted
I could fall asleep right now
in any room in this house

If I stop for even a minute
I’ll lose everything
and befallen by sleep,
my dreams will run me to & fro
on the streets of a sunless day
until I’ve nothing left to do
and nowhere else to run
I’ll wake up & be free
listening to the words from the speakers
instead of the sounds of the alarms

From the mass of my guts I muster
the will to wake up and face the day
without ever feeling
brave enough
but the truth is
there are two kinds of bravery
in this world
that which conquers fear,
& that which never knows it

The cruel joke
is that nobody knows
what kind of bravery they got
until it fails them
like the brake on a train
like a jammed trigger
like poison in your coffee

Bitch’s World

I wonder what people say to their kids
about what they see on television

When they're asked,
why there are so many shows about bitches,
do they try and explain,
that it looks like a bitch’s world out there
but really it’s still a rich man’s game

How do you tell a 7-year old kid
it wont be long
till they have a price of their own

Are grown men
with children
in this country
sexually aroused
by girls going wild

That blonde fucking med student
popped a girl in the head at point blank
and the news is telling us
he had a gambling problem

He must’ve been shit at the tables
because he kept all those panties
of the girls he was robbing
&
that’s a bad bet against getting out of this
like a thief in the night

I checked out Craigslist’s massage services
months ago
when I moved to this area

I had expected it to be a little more subtle
like those wanted ads
for Full-Body Massages
in the free weeklies
that say
I’ll suck you off
without typing a word of it

It was so vulgar
pictures of girls
in see-thru panties
or bending over in front of the camera
some also had real headshots
with all the make-up
and the foggy lighting

right next to them in a dirty hotel room
with a pink dildo
playfully at the edge of her lips
like that does anything for anybody

I spent the better part of an hour
going through each one
before swearing off it forever

Big girls, skinny girls, drug addicts,
college-aged white girls, black teens,
a couple of Hispanics
& transsexuals
spread throughout

There was this one I remember
young black girl
over on the left
she was wearing daisy dukes
and showing off her pink slip
but you couldn’t see her face well
so on the right
to compensate
she had a profile picture
taken outside in the summer
sweet, sleepy eyes
giggling girlish grin,
the sun behind her head
a regular snapshot taken
to remember that particular moment

I couldn’t determine whether
the two pictures
were even of the same girl
&
I couldn’t think
what was the worst outcome

It said she worked out of the house
and they wouldn’t be disturbed

I didn’t think then
my god,
one day
someone is going to kill this girl
& it could be anybody
with a laptop and a .38

It could be her father
her boyfriend
a John
a stranger on the street

She will not go out peacefully
she will kick & scream
until she resigns to it
or dribbles in fear
failing to explain why
she would want to hold on
or on what she had left
to barter with

and her body will float up & up
and evaporate into the atmosphere
before being breathed back in
a good honest photo
in the upper-left hand corner
of a news box

Postcard from California

I was outside
it’s still hot out there
but I could feel night on the air

My legs felt cool
but the sun was on my face
I squinted back
at my reflection in the sliding glass door

My fingers were warm, clutching the butt,
the cherry was glowing in the afternoon light
I thought I felt my phone buzz in my pocket
and to answer it
I had to switch my smoking hand
and it was like passing a hot coal
I had an instinct to take it very carefully
to brace myself for impact
and prepare for adjustments

Everything went smoothly
so the actualization of pulling up the phone
from the depths of my pocket
and getting a call
became strange and leaded
when I realized that I must’ve imagined it

I wasn’t expecting a call
so don’t tell me
it was some flaw
inherent in all expectations

It happens all the time
I think the thing’s giving me some
single vibrating pulse of acknowledgment
and I reach for it
and it hasn’t done anything
there’s no messages
I’m just making shit up
because apparently
I like to look like
a dick with a technology twitch

But this last time
I sure as day
second-guessed myself
and had to ask
If I’d thought you would’ve called

Make no mistake
every communiqué you make
is a goddamn mess
and you can’t be blamed
if it mixes your mind up a bit

every line you open
ends locked in sorrow

After the Funeral X

The green trees, red brick, and warm sun
The labyrinthine neighborhoods
with their beacons of beerlight
Hidden hearts and bare arms
Wide-hipped women in worn-in t-shirts
The empty city streets at 3am
the porches packed at midday
The secret gardens of the city,
packed ball parks, bike racks, walked dogs,
firm handshakes with your elbow braced,
barflies, Vietnamese Laundromats,
painted signs for forgotten stores
as much a part of the walls
as the wind and the dirt

They are missing their children
every one of them feels so distant
now that your father’s gone

I hope it rains all summer
until the underground stations
fill with standing water
till the gutters are all clogged
and the cars hydroplane down the streets
until any music at all feels too loud
when competing with the pounding of the pavement

I hope men run downtown with their collars up
and their briefcases swinging
and the ones who’ve still got a little something
at the end of the day
push the wet hair from their faces
and smile million dollar smiles
as they walk into the bar

You’re right too
it would be a helluva lot easier
to believe your Dad is sitting around somewhere
than it is to believe
the Cards are playing another season
like nothing ever happened
but towns with seasons
don’t stop for bad weather
the people just note record highs and record lows
as they head out the door

After the Funeral IX

We met up with an old friend
at the gay & lesbian bar
he was as surprised as I was
to hear that I’d be there

We grabbed a couple of beers
and a table out of the way

We tried to catch up
we were hollering deep shit
4 inches from each other’s face

I could’ve settled in for the night
listening to him recount every detail
of the last 5 years
but another buddy of ours
was too drunk
had to be restrained
from punching some mouthy lesbian
who was begging for a fight
stumbled over to a nearby bar
crashed in their basement
when Jr. found him
we all had to get up to go real fast
to drive him home

It was for the best though
better than losing some bit of the story
to the thumping bassline
and the noise of the dancefloor

I got another friend
who I’ve never met
she talks all the time
about there being no conversation
you can’t have in a bar
and I used to always agree with her
but I’d never been to a lesbian danceclub
on a weeknight in St. Louis before
and now I’m not so sure

After the Funeral VIII

Everybody showed up at the wake
fucking everybody
the whole gang was there
and nobody’d changed

We stood around in our shirtsleeves
and good ties
we walked out as a procession
into the rain to smoke cigarettes
or take swigs of Jameson in the car

We talked shit, told old stories
reminisced,
telling old hoodlum tales
for the first time

Afterwards the bar was full of them
from one end to the other
My Captain told me
he expected me to walk up and say,
Here we are, born to be kings
referencing a joke I made nervously earlier
that I’d already forgotten about
and without a frame of reference
it felt like a perfect sentence
right and true and sad and perfect

Few could make it to the funeral,
a daytime mass on a weekday
they had to work or they didn’t
and maybe some couldn’t face the old man
or his weeping son
so they stayed home in the name of decency

I stood with Danny,
one of Junior’s old friends from H.S.
I barely knew the kid
made a beer-run in his rice burner once
we drove fast, the music was awful,
he had his brain in his dick
but his heart was in the right place
seemed like a good kid
to have run the halls or shared a stolen beer with

On my right was an old friend of Sr.’s & his wife
they were pretty teary throughout the ceremony
laughed at all the inside jokes
and looked over at Danny & I
with genuine concern and real sadness

Danny & I shared a hymnal,
though neither of us were really singing
we awkwardly raised and lowered the knee rest
trying to keep up time & appearances

At one point
the Priest told us all to greet each other

I shook hands with Danny
there was nothing I could think to say

I turned and the wife was like a small fire
when she came close to shake hands
her face was wet, her hands moist
she was so warm I forgot about myself
and just basked in her sad glow

I shook hands with the old man’s friend
he didn’t seem the least bit ashamed
to be crying
and for a minute
I wished I were born someone else
in a city hospital in the dead of winter

I turned and met a tall and pretty cousin
who I hadn’t known was there
she was so tall
that when she reached in to hug me
I could lay my head on her shoulder
I told her
Junior would be happy she came

After the Funeral VII

He played the same songs over & over
every time we got in the explorer
he didn’t want to hear anything new

For chrissakes, he begged us
his father was dead
he was going to listen
to whatever he damnwell wanted to

I didn’t put up a fight
he wasn’t a tyrant or anything

He even asked me to put something on
in the hotel room
the morning of the wake

I tried not to think about it
but I was thinking about it
I quickly limited it down to a few options
and picked indiscriminately

It was more upbeat than I expected
it sort of marched along in the background
the sound of a single trumpet
weeping over the melody
sometimes satirizing the singer
brassy and distant and cool

He gave a knod
made a comment about it
can’t remember whether it was good or bad
but it didn’t seem to bring anything to the air
we stood there in our suits
when normally we’d be sleeping
we straightened our cuffs
and waited on his girl

After the Funeral VI

It ain’t supposed to rain all week
the grass in the front lawn
is starting to look a lot like straw
we got restrictions on when we can water it

Meanwhile
everything is just cooking out there
my garden is looking a little long in the tooth
for being so damn young

Out of the three plants I got hanging
what was my best contender a month ago
is suffering alone
wilting away

I’m doing all I can
fresh soil, a turn towards the sun,
misting the thin stalks,
gently leaking in the water,
I pat the soil with the tip of my finger
I speak low around it
I don’t even smoke inside

I wonder how much time I spend
standing on that back porch
feeling the heat waft in on the wind
feeling big & dumb & tired

It can’t be that often
but its all I ever talk about

I don’t need to be alone to talk to myself
to sweat under a t-shirt
to not go run inside
it just seems that
they gallop alongside each other
nearly tied for first
every year
all summer long
huffing, pumping blood,
braced on that singular enlightenment
when you believe your heart
more capable that it actually is
and that belief is tested
on the verge of death
and running your heart out
the whole time

After the Funeral V

I think some men drink
for the liquid courage they need
to stand up & face their kids

I’m sorry your Dad died
I wish it didn’t have to hurt
& I can’t in good conscience tell you
that all things pass

Some things last forever
they change shapes
or we change around them

You are like that
I am like that
Tom Waits is like that
& your Dad is like that too

There ain’t nothing to miss but time
& time ain’t going anywhere

You & Me, Tom Waits & your Dad,
nobody is going anywhere

After the Funeral IV

I think about sitting
my one-day daughter on my lap
after she’s asked,
why I shake hands with an old friend
and telling her the whole truth;
not some bullshit easy answer.

Telling her all about class & protocol
hierarchy
concealed daggers
& superstition

Telling her the meaning of Freedom
is not having to take shit from anybody
& Liberty
is our Freedom to choose
who our friends are

After the Funeral III

Jenn & Brendan met us at the bar
it was a weeknight
I meant to tell them I appreciated the sacrifice
of the next morning

I don’t know if I ever did
though I’m sure I had the chance
in between talks of home, houses, art, & good food
I’m sure I must’ve told them I loved them
but I just don’t know

Jenn looked great
she could always rock an outfit
even if it was right from work
like a humbled Clark Kent
sitting cross-legged at the bar

She’s keeping busy
but kept the conversation light
smiling & smoking & talking about quitting
like she always does

Brendan looked like he rolled out of bed
& into my closet
it was the weirdest goddamn thing
but no one questioned
two bearded men
in plaid short sleeves & flatcaps
embracing by the bar

I miss those two
like America misses it’s own myth

After the Funeral II

Her ass got fat
but it looked good on her
I told her I’d missed her face
& I did
though I hadn’t pictured it
in years

Before long
she was telling me secrets
she was always like that
a secret she was always telling

I never expected her to grow up so well
& she told me she was surprised
to see that I had

She talked & I listened
when her flittering around the bar
landed at my side

I smiled, looking down
guarding my face from her
with cigarette drags
swigs of beer
& the subtle cupping of her ear
to the sound of my voice

After the Funeral I

O’ Bury me in a bar in old St. Louie
where the music is so loud & so good
where none speak my name
without toasting it in procession

Invite my friends
& all those who’ve loved me
to curse & drink & smoke & weep
in the beerlight of evening

Let everyone know why they’ve come
but never give them any proof
save my wife
who must identify my body
let her see that we’ve parted

Let everyone else move around my ghost
between those hailing a drink at the bar
the shuffling waitress
& the overcrowded tables

Let them know it’s okay to take my seat
I’m not up to take a leak or get a drink
I’m gone
& I ain’t coming back