Grumble

Sometimes,
I am made to have uncomfortable conversations with people
& it becomes painfully clear
by the strange shit they say
that they weren’t allowed to watch all the channels on the TV
when they were kids
& I try to be nice
listen respectfully & hope to reach an agreement to simply disagree
mutually
but it never happens & I get lost shortly after
& start looking for the door,
retracing my steps,
trying to remember what I’m doing there.

I just stop arguing with them
& start arguing with myself
& I don’t know why I do it
whether to pursue a more sensible opponent,
or to convince myself of their argument,
I put myself under the spotlight
& begin to pour out buckets of my own bullshit
all the while reassuring myself
that I’m doing it for them
that they need it & they need me to keep talking.

I try to remember to keep the volume down
& not smoke so many cigarettes
I make sure to not go too fast
& I try to act graciously
I preach tolerance & equality
I beg to excuse my ignorance
I beg in sweeping curtsies under the spotlight
I do it every time I bow
but like an idiot
I never bow out.