Apologies for the Rubber Chicken Poetry Slam (Monterey, CA)

I’m happy to say now
that I’m sorry I stopped writing
& competing

You should know
that getting up there & fighting it out
with so many amazing writers
was a real pleasure every week
& when I won
it was just the icing on the cake

But I won quite a bit
& at first I was flattered
but soon turned to shame

I couldn’t understand how I could win
on what grounds
could I be deemed better
& why I had to be made the robber
I gave my winnings back to the donations
& still
I couldn’t help feeling bloody

I wanted to win at first
I liked the attention
the recognition
I aimed to please you all
I’d borrow your eyes
& look again at every word
I’d written

I won that way most
writing what I knew
would grab your attention
but as honest as it was
& it was
it was still a lie

I subjugated your perception
I was making accidents
we could all relate to
& at the same time
still feeling your push
the weight of your combined genius
& running the numbers
striving, always striving
to beat down the beast of my own
inquisition

I won & it was a lie
I was not a competitor

We were all putting on puppet shows
Screaming from inside ourselves
to fill some inflated effigy
into convulsing wildly
Dancing interpretive dances
for people we knew nothing about

Don’t read me sorely
it was still dance,
screaming,
theatre
it was still the only good reason
to wake up early & go to bed late
but I never really wanted to win it
ever

So I stopped risking it
then I stopped competing at all
went away for a while
came back to watch from afar
or not show up at all

I’m sorry I stopped playing the game
but,
I never could stand
anything
where people have to pick sides
They always make me feel
abandoned